At a wedding years ago, the DJ said, “All married couples, get on the dance floor.” I dragged my husband away from a conversation, and we were soon swaying at the edge of the crowd. Then the DJ said, “If you’ve been married longer than five years, keep dancing. Everyone else, sit down.” Then it was 10, 15, 20 and 25 years. At this point, my husband and I were grumbling under our breath. Neither of us likes having much attention, but we could see what was happening and we figured we would be close to the last ones standing.
“Thirty-five years,” the DJ said. The crowd was thinning and even the DJ seemed to be getting tired of the game. “Forty?” There were only two couples left, and we were one of them. I looked at our competition. Honestly, they looked SO much older than us. How was it possible we were the only two couples left?
“Forty-one?” We danced. “Forty-two?” Still dancing. Finally, “Forty-three?” My husband and I were happily the losers! People around us marveled at how long we had been married.
Now, here we are at 50 years. I remember thinking anyone who had been married 50 years must be an old crone. Someone on their last gasp. Never, ever did I imagine that was going to be my husband and me. And that we would still love to dance, and be able to dance!
Fifty years of wedded bliss, as they say. Let’s be honest, even a good marriage can be work.
We had been married a couple decades when I was visiting with a friend about her first anniversary.
“Congratulations,” I said. “That first year can be hard.” Her eyes filled with tears as she nodded. “It was,” she croaked.
Early in our marriage, I was listening to a convention speaker and famous marriage spokesperson. I perked up when he started talking about birth order, and how it played into your relationships.
“No two firstborns should ever get married. Ever,” he said. I looked around. My firstborn husband was at a different session. Firstborn-me was thinking, “It’s a little too late for that now.”
There we were, with our firstborn tendencies, both wanting to be the “boss.” Both thinking we knew best. We didn’t have younger siblings to do our bidding any longer. We only had each other. And, it was a juggle and a struggle at times.
I think most people go into marriage thinking it’s going to play out like a romance novel. You “meet cute.” You get married in a dreamlike scenario. Your bridesmaids are dressed in your favorite colors (in dresses they’ll never wear again). Everyone near and dear is there to witness your vows. Watch your first dance. Taste your wedding cake and toast your marriage. And from then on, it’s “happily ever after.”
Hallmark movies are considered “cheesy” because, while we would love them to be reality, they aren’t. Hallmark movies leave out the hard parts. And, the hard parts are what make or break a marriage.
I think couples often think disagreements – a fight over money, in-laws, where to spend holidays and the list can go on forever if you let it – means they aren’t compatible. Nope. They’re just a normal couple working out the dynamics of a relationship.
My sixth book, “The Secret of Us,” is about marriage. It contrasts a newlywed couple with a longer-married couple. And, guess what? They’re both having issues. When that book was released, someone came rushing up to me in the foyer of my church and said, “I just want to thank you for writing that book. I thought my husband and I were the only ones who ever had problems. Now I know we’re not!”
What a relief to know problems are part of a relationship. They are part of loving.
Think about your relationship with your parents, siblings or your best friend. Were those relationships always smooth sailing? Did you never feel disgruntled? Never disagree? Never think, “Who IS this person? And why me? Why do I have to put up with this?”
This past season, my husband and I wintered in a retirement community in Arizona. Of the people I met, almost all of them are on their second marriages. Some widowed. Some divorced. And, from what I’ve observed, people seem to make more of an effort to enjoy each other and enjoy life the second time around. It’s been a bit eye-opening for me. I’ve wondered why. My guess is they learned something from the first go-around and they try harder now.
When you’ve been married 50 years, you learn a relationship and life ebb and flow. There are days, months, even years, that are better than others. There are times you take each other for granted, and times you remember the days of falling in love. Illness, death or a friend’s divorce can throw you for a relationship loop. Somehow, we’ve always been able to regroup. Oftentimes, the harder times drew us closer together.
Has it been 50 years of absolute wedded bliss? Absolutely not.
Would I do it all over again? Absolutely!
Here’s to us, waltzing into year 51.
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Roxanne (Roxy) Henke thanks you for indulging her reminiscing of the past 50 years. You can contact her at roxannehenke@gmail.com.
