Courtesy photo
I was 4 years old, sitting at our town’s restaurant with five sparkly headbands stacked over my hair. That’s how the waiter knew to bring me my regular: mini corndogs. That’s how everyone knew I was me.
I never cared what people thought when I was younger. I did things without considering how “weird” it would make me and without pondering, “What will they say about me?” With age, that slowly started to change. I started condensing who I was. I made myself small, because my big personality was difficult for others to accept. But I was not truly happy; I was muted by everyone else’s opinions.
I’ve always been aware of the trends and fitting in, but I had never noticed it as much as I have recently. Everyone has started to look the same. The stores are stocked with the same trendy products, the “it girls” have the same hair, the makeup stores are busy in the same aisles. Everyone seems to fit into one of the trends: clean girl, grunge, indie and others. You can’t just be yourself; you have to be yourself in a category.
On top of outward assimilation, you must act the same as everyone. Don’t put in too much effort, because then you’re a “try hard.” Don’t be too smart, because then you’re a “nerd.” Don’t be too passionate, because then you’re “weird.” Don’t be too much of anything, because there will always be something wrong with it. So, to follow these rules, you muffle yourself. You become the worst thing possible: the same as everyone else.
Like anyone, I had a phase like this. I would put clothes back on the rack to avoid taunting, join sports to fit in, speak less to be indifferent. More people liked me, but I didn’t like myself. I wasn’t happy. That’s when I decided I was going to live purely for myself. And that changed me. Sure, I got teased. Sure, I lost status. But that didn’t matter, because I felt alive again. I felt like the little girl wearing five headbands again. And that, being the rawest version of me, is how I became happy.
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Joanie McCormack, 15, is a freshman at Wilton Public School, where she is involved in speech, band, choir, volleyball and baseball. She enjoys art, writing and all things music. Joanie is the daughter of Jesse and Cheryl, members of Capital Electric Cooperative.
